If I Lose Myself
by WindyGallowTree
Summary: Matthew Williams was never one to be noticed. He was mostly content in his world, but his loneliness was starting to eat away at him. Then he meets Gilbert, a teen with an interesting personality who manages to bring him out of his shell. Will something spark between the two, or will Matthew be left and forgotten? PruCan, Gilbert/Matthew, AU
1. Chapter 1

**If I Lose Myself**

Chapter 1

It's just the same old routine, day in and day out. Wake up, get ready for school, sit through boring classes, go home, do homework, go to sleep. Same old routine. I am sure there is a trench in the ground made by my constant foot paths. And you know what makes it all the better? I am ignored, my existence invisible to all eyes, even to my brother. I've learned to live with it in the past years.

However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't lonely or bothered by it once in a while. One cannot stay in their room all day, reading or whatever one might do to amuse their self. You need friends to keep you sane and sociable. I would consider myself anti-social, usually happy in my world of distance places and people who actually notice you. Though, I long for at least one friend. One I can tell things to, hang out with.

Alfred has lots of friends. With being the popular jock at school, I guess that just comes with it. Every weekend, he leaves the house to go party or go out. Then you have me, curled up on my bed, doing nothing worthwhile or going out into the world with a happy face and a friend at my side.

Today was the same as any day. School was alright besides getting showed into a locker and stumbling down the stairs from the impatient people who never see you. Ah yes, how lovely.

Only one more year in this place besides this year. I hope that once I leave this place, I'll be noticed by others. A new environment with new people. Yes, that's what I wish for. But until then, I have to make it through.

"Hey! Mattie! I need some help!"

The only time Alfred realizes my existence is when he wants something. I love it. "I'll be there in a minute!"

I walk out of my room and down the stairs where I see Al trying to move the kitchen table. At this point, he is failing at the task. I lift up the other end of the large table, following him to wherever he wants to put it.

"Thanks! I have to move things around for the party tonight! I already moved the rest of the things and cleaned the pool, but I can never move this damn thing." Al said. Great. Al's having a party. I suppose that is expected, since mom and dad are away on yet another business trip. That means I have to listen to the yells of drunks and the vibrations of a bass from the ear-drum blasting music tonight. And I also have to clean everything up in the end because Al is too lazy to do it himself.

"Yeah, whatever. You better clean everything up tomorrow."

"Of course!" Lie. If only he would do it.

I head back up to my room and lock the door. I look around for something to do. It's only about 3 o'clock and the party probably won't start till about 6 or so. I decide to grab my sketch pad and my IPod. I suppose going outside would be good for me. I really do need to get out more often. And since its fall, the weather won't be blistering hot like in the summer. However, it is still rather warm out these days- I guess that's why Al said he cleaned the pool. Might as well use it while it's still 75 degrees out.

I leave the house stepping onto the walkway. I look back, picturing what it would look like after the party; a mess with red solo cups and beer cans littering the ground.

My family and I are pretty well off. Our house isn't one where you would just look and go on your merry way. I like it, but it is a little too much for me. Having pillars and an uncountable amount of windows is a bit intimidating.

I leave the estate, putting the headphones in my ears and picking a song to listen to. I go to one of the playlists and find the one with the newest songs on there. I touch the tab of OneRepublic's newest single, "If I Lose Myself". I just got it yesterday and have listened to it non-stop. I am rather obsessed really. I'm a fan of the band and this has to be my newest favorite of theirs.

Except, it makes me rather sad to listen to it. You might not be able to tell, but I am a bit of a romantic. I adore romance stories. (Not those crappy vampire ones though. God, I hate those, they're shit.) I read them and hope for a love like the ones in them. But I know that'll never happen. Because, well, you see… Oh fine, I don't girls. Nope, I figured that out a couple years ago. See, I started liking this boy in my class. He never paid attention to me, but I loved him from a distance. I soon lost that love when I saw him with a girl in the hallway, sucking their faces off. I felt rather disgusted at that- I get sick just thinking about it.

But that's that. I've admired others as well, and all ended either because of ways similar to the first or I realized that it's useless to ever think that they'll like me back when no one even sees the invisible kid. And that's when my mood starts to plummet.

I have thought of the meaning of my life a few times. Why I am here, living, even though I am ignored. Should I just kill myself and everyone else can live their life happily? I thought about that and realized that I would never be able to take my own life. I just don't have the guts to. About a year ago, when my parents remembered they have a second son, they saw that I was down (I wasn't happy-go-lucky like Al), and thought that anti-depressants would help. Now I take them every day. I'm not sure if they're really though.

I head towards the park, the song still playing in my ear as I keep repeating it.

"_I stared up at the sun_

_Thought of all the people, places and things I've loved_

_I stared up just to see_

_Of all the faces,_

_You were the one next to me_

_You can feel the light start to tremble_

_Washing what you know out to sea_

_You can see your life out of the window, tonight…"_

You know how when you just start listening to music, you feel so different. Like you're in a music video or something. I like that feeling. That's when I feel good, like I can do anything. Everything is just so picturesque and beautiful, my light blond hair blowing with the warm fall breeze, with that one curly hair bobbing slightly. I just stand there in the park, looking out at the lake that the town is located near. The lake is nice to look at, but I greatly dislike swimming in it. Our family used to come out here to go boating the summer a lot, when mom and dad weren't too busy for me and Al.

The memories fleet away from me as I shake my head. I go to my favorite tree here. It's a large maple tree, with thick lower branches, but still high up enough away from the ground. I climb up the truck, used to doing so when I was younger. I sit on the branch facing the lake. It's quite beautiful, especially in autumn when the hills have been colored orange, red, and yellow.

I start sketching it out, wanting to do something to pass the time. I really enjoy drawing. I mainly just draw flowers or the occasional manga character as I am in love with anime and the books. I have a papers of past drawings stuffed in a drawer in the desk in my room. I never want to hang any up, since I don't want anyone else seeing them.

I look back out at the scene, taking in a deep breath. The air tastes like ripe grapes. It's refreshing from breathing in the recycled air of the house. Where I live, all it is wine and grape country. A quiet town with rolling hills of farms or vineyards. If you go out in the country more, close to the lake, there are a bunch of wineries. It's always peaceful until the summer when you have the hordes of cottagers staying on the lake. Seriously, they need to learn how to drive and look normal- not richly dressed and foreign-looking with their sun hats and tanned skin. Can you tell I don't like them?

Now it's once again the quiet town with all of them gone. I enjoy it that way, but this town gets their business from them, so I have to bear with it.

I sit there for I don't even know how long, and look at the time on my screen. It reads 4:56. Wow, I lose track of time. It's not like I have anything else to do anyway though. I stretch my arms above my head while my eyes manage to squeeze some tears out. My sketch book slides off my lap though. I hear it fall as the papers flap at the sudden drop.

"Ouch!"

Whoa, wait a minute. I look down and see that my sketch book managed to hit someone on the head. The person looks around, wondering where it came from. I sit back up straight though, since I don't want to be seen. What if they hurt me because I accidentally hit them with the pad? I really don't want that to happen. Besides, the teen looks really scary from what I saw.

He has weird, white hair and is wearing basically all black. A spiked band is around his wrist, and his shirt has a white cross on the front. I managed to see his eyes, and they were red! Who could have red eyes?!

Then it hits me- the teen must be albino. His skin has like no pigment in it, just a pale white. I peered my head over just a little, to see what he was doing. I heard him grumble as he picks up the sketch book. He opens it to the first page, the one with the drawing I was working on. Oh no, I didn't want anyone to see it…

He looks at it for a couple of minutes then looks around. He does the unexpected and takes the drawing out. God, why must you hate me? He leaves the sketch book down, leaning it on the tree trunk. Well, at least he didn't take that. But I really wish he didn't take the drawing out. Well, at least he won't know I drew it. It wasn't even finished anyway. There had to be shading done and I left my shading pencils at home. He suddenly looks up; realizing he never looked in that direction when the pad fell on him.

I quickly move back, out of his sight. I don't think he saw me anyway, as nothing escalated further. I just heard him grumble out, "That was weird..." and must have left since the sound of crunched leaves was prevalent, however traveling away. I wait a few minutes until he's fully gone and climb down the tree.

I pick up the pad, dusting it off a bit. I wanted to finish that sketch too; it was turning out really good. Oh well, I guess. I'll just have to do it again some other time. I wonder why he took the drawing though. He must have liked it then if took it. At least, I think so…

Now that I think about it, I have seen him around before. He's senior, I believe; that must be why I don't see him in any of my classes. In the hallways is where I catch a glimpse of him sometimes, hanging around a Spanish kid and a French one as well. I can't think of his name at the moment.

Ah, what it is it? I know I've heard it before. Oh! Gilbert! That's his name. He's Ludwig's brother. Now I remember. Yes, how can one really forget? He's the one that always yells out, "King of Awesome is here!" and stuff like that. He's more like the "King of Trouble" really. Gilbert Beilschmidt, the one whose name is a regular on the PA system, getting called to the office.

I try to think of more stuff about him. What I hear from others in my class is how he's selfish and although rather popular among the girls. He has new girlfriend every week from the gossip I sometimes listen in on. The other two he hangs out with is Francis Bonnefoy, who's actually my cousin (I forgot that was him), and Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. Together, the three are known as the Bad Touch Trio around the school.

I didn't think he would be around here- anyone for that matter. Usually no one comes to the park at this time, besides the random jogger or dog walker. Even I only come out here during this time of year, or on cooler days in the summer. Why would a hyper-active teen with a throng of friends be hanging around the deserted park?

I walk on the side-walk with that thought in mind, stopping by the local pizza joint in town. It's owned by Feliciano and Lovino Vargas' family, and they make delicious pizza and other dishes. After ringing the bell on the counter (the only way for them to notice me while I'm waiting there) and ordering two slices of pepperoni and mushroom pizza, I head home. I didn't want anything else from home and I had a craving for freshly baked pizza.

I carry the box the rest of the way home. About 10 minutes later I arrive at my doorstep. Opening the door, I take off my sneakers and head upstairs into my room. I check the time again- it's close to 6 o'clock, so that means people will start arriving soon. Locking the door behind me, I put my sketch book on my desk, as well as the small pizza box.

Now that I've relaxed, I realize I'm still listening to the same song since I left earlier. The words play out in my ears. I start singing along a bit. I'm not a bad singer, but it's not like I'm perfect.

"_If I lose myself tonight_

_It'll be by your side_

_I lose myself tonight_

_If I lose myself tonight_

_It'll be you and I_

_Lose myself tonight"_

* * *

**Thank you for reading! I am new to fanfiction so I'll try the best I can to write stories!**

**Hopefully there aren't any mistakes in this- I have a hard time reading over things on my computer unfortunately. And I absolutely love this couple by the way. It's my absolute favorite in Hetalia~! Yes, I am obsessed but that's easy to be for me.**

**Thank you very much for reading this! And tell me what you think of it as well. Bye bye!**


	2. Chapter 2

If I Lose Myself

Chapter 2

People started coming over soon after I finished the first slice of pizza. The doorbell made me jump when it first rang. I could hear Alfred running across the floor downstairs. Muffled talking could be heard and I assumed it was Arthur and Francis coming in, since Arthur is good friends with Alfred (and wouldn't miss a party with alcohol). He always comes first out of everybody, dragging Francis along. I think they're dating, but it's hard to tell. They have this love/hate relationship from what I've noticed.

I put my iPod on its charger connected to my computer, so everything is rather silent in my room. I look around at everything, admiring it. I painted the walls red, since it's my favorite color and the color of my country's flag.

I am from Canada. Well I _want_ to say that even though I was born in America (I was very close to the border of Canada though). My mother was from there, living in Quebec for most of her life- that's how she learned to speak French and taught me and Al how to speak it. My father on the other hand was from this country, otherwise America. When my mother married my father, they moved to New York. Al believes that America is the greatest nation in the world. I have to disagree with him on that. Canada is totally the best. I mean, maple syrup and hockey are Canadian things, and are the greatest things ever invented in the universe. (Yes, they are. Don't disagree with me because I am right.)

To show my Canadian pride, the comforter of my bed is the Canadian flag. I also have a moderately sized flag above my desk as well. There are couple stacks of books on the floor, and couple of hockey sticks in the corner. Besides those, the desk, a bed, and a dresser my room is rather simple really. I like it that way. If you go into Al's room, it looks a tornado swept through it. It's a disaster in that room. And it's fully decorated in the American colors to show his pride.

I look towards my bed, remembering that I left Kuma on it this morning. I could never give up the plush, even though I'm 16 now. It's been with me since I was small child, given to me by my parents on my third birthday. Its fur is still a pristine white, since I was it all the time. The polar bear is really my only friend if you ask me, even if it can't speak or move. It is there and it's nice to wrap my arms around when I get lonely (which is more often these days, sadly).

You could hear more trudging of feet down below as more people pile into the house. This is going to be a long night.

* * *

I stay in my room as though I'm on an island. It's my personal paradise and no one else can step upon its shores. The thumping of shoes stopped after a bit, assuming that everyone has arrived. I can only guess that there are over a hundred people with the confines. Al turned on the music not long ago. The bass of some cruddy dance song is vibrating the whole house and has seeped into my room, destroying the peaceful atmosphere.

You could hear some people outside, yelling out mindless words. I get up from my soft bed and slide my feet over towards the window. My window faces the back-yard so I can see the pool area perfectly.

Teens were jumping into the pool with drinks in hand, getting fully drenched in the water. I turn around so I didn't have to look. I dislike seeing people so happy, laughing with their friends who never forget them.

I can't remember the last time I had a friend. Every time I would meet someone new, they end up forgetting me within the next day. It was like that one time in elementary school, when I went up to a kid who I met the previous day. I tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around, asking who I was. I cried after that because I was so sad.

I start tearing up now, remembering from back then. Wiping my face with the sleeve of my red shirt, dark splotches turn out, creating a new shade of red. I need to do something else.

I go over towards my desk for the cup I placed on it earlier. Bringing it to my mouth, I realize it's empty, only little droplets of the sweet soda left at the bottom. _Just like me. Body empty with nothing but a discarded dream of having friends._

I shake my head. I need to stop thinking like that; it just brings my mood down even more. But that second voice never goes away. It's still there, waiting for a chance to berate me down to nothing.

Walking quickly out the door, while shutting it behind me, I drag my body down the hall towards the stairs. I look over the banister, seeing all the people. The table which I helped Al moved earlier has drinks littered on it. From beer to soda and mixes, it's filled with anything you can think of. And people go to it like a dehydrated animal to a watering hole. They can't get enough alcohol, can they?

I go down each step, walking around a couple that decided to snog their faces off in the semi-drunken state that they are in. By the morning, they'll never remember the other's face.

There were empty beer cans on the floor and I kicked them away to clear a path. I started walking a little quicker, just so I can get out of here. Lights were shining and blinking everywhere, circling around the room for those who want dance. Everything was making me dizzy.

There were many faces that I recognized from school, dancing around or outside near the pool. I'm sure most of them were drunk off their ass by now too, no doubt.

I walk towards the kitchen, bare feet making no sound on the marble floor. I plan on taking a liter of soda or juice; I don't really care as long as I get out of here fast. My head was starting to hurt from all the noise. I can't even think right now. Hopefully I'll have a bottle of headache pills stored somewhere in my room, but I can't recall when _this_ is obliterating my thought process.

I grab what I was looking for and try to head out the room. Getting through all the people is hard, with everyone's bodies close together like cement. I try to push through them but it doesn't work. Deciding to work around them, it proves to be a good plan.

I see Al in the living room, dancing with a bunch of people, a red solo cup in hand. I can only shake my head at him. He's going to have a bad hangover in the morning, I can tell. Though I am sure everyone will have a horrible hangover tomorrow if they keep drinking like they are.

The song playing ended and what comes on surprises me. It's "If I Lose Myself". I didn't think these people listened to this type of music. I slowly walk back near the living room-turned-dance floor, staying just to hear the song. I do not mind the volume for this song, nor the people right now. This song is worth it to stay in the room.

I just stand there, relaxing a bit to the song. I didn't even pay attention to who was behind me until they prodded at my shoulder. I jumped a mile a minute then turned around and it was another unexpected thing. It was him, the one in the park earlier. Gilbert.

"Hey! I thought it was you! It's awesome to know I wasn't seeing things! That would be un-awesomely crazy!" He yelled out, though I barely understood what he said over the music. I didn't speak back, instead running as fast as I can with the soda in hand, zigzagging around the party-goers. So much for a nice moment.

I get to the stairs taking two at a time. I see him still following me out of the corner of my eye. It wasn't until I reached my bedroom door that he managed to grab my arm, pulling me back. I stumble over a bit, almost falling into him. There's fear in my eyes, I can't just tell. What if he yells at me for dropping my sketch book on his head earlier?

His eyes are like the color of blood, a very rich shade of red. I looked down, not wanting to stare at them any longer. It would be easy to get caught into them. He looks at me, a smirk on his face. His hand doesn't let go of my arm, knowing that if he did, I would run away.

"Good, the awesome me can talk to you better up here. What were you doing in the tree earlier? The awesome me hasn't seen you around before. Who're you?" He asks me. I don't answer back, turning around abruptly to get lose from his grip. It seems to work as I open my door and shut it, locking it in the process.

I slide down to the floor with my back against the door. I can hear him outside, telling me to come out because he wanted to talk. Well, I didn't so he was just going to have to deal with that. The song was still playing down stairs, just about ending. Gilbert keeps knocking on the door, but gives up, realizing that I'm not coming out.

I sit there for a while longer, taking a few sips of the sugary drink. My mouth was dry and I craved for the liquid. I have a real sweet tooth unfortunately. I get up, trudging over towards my bed, grabbing a sketch book and pencil on the way over. My thoughts are running too fast for me to handle and I need something to relax myself. I don't even know what I'm drawing but I don't care.

* * *

My eyes must have closed at some point, because the sun is shining on my face slightly from my window. The pad is opened, sprawled on my bed. It must have slipped off my stomach during the night when I fell asleep. I pick it up, looking at the drawing. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw that I drew Gilbert. I threw it to the ground, as if it would infect me with a deadly disease.

Gilbert, he remembered me from yesterday. How could he remember me? No one ever recalls me, the invisible teen. And _why_ Gilbert is another question. Why would a popular guy like him talk to a friendless loner like? Based on yesterday, it didn't seem like he was going to hurt me. Would he talk to me again? Does he want to be my friend? He's…actually kind of cute, isn't he?

Hold up. I rub my forehead as I sit up on the plush sheets. _You really think he's cute? What's wrong with you? You just met the guy, you idiot! _

My head fills with unrequited questions, making it hurt. I reach over into a drawer in my desk, searching, and then taking out two different medicine bottles. I unscrew the child-proof caps on both, taking out an antidepressant in one and two ibuprofen in the other. Grabbing the soda bottle that I left on the side of the bed, I twist the cap off, taking a sip and swallowing each pill one at a time.

The antidepressants I have to take every day in the morning. I forget to take them every now and then, and I'm not sure if they really help me, but I swallow them right when I wake up.

After lying on the bed for a couple more minutes, I get up, going to inspect the damage done to the house. I change out of yesterday's clothes, outing on a blue t-shirt and black shorts. It's still pretty warm this week, and I get warm while working so it's the best option to dress lightly.

I pick up the drawing pad on the floor, looking at the picture of Gilbert again. It wasn't half bad, but it's best to forget about it. Clapping the book shut, I toss it on my bed. I accidentally hit Kuma and I say a silent apology, even though I know it won't matter.

I slip on a pair of flip-flops that I keep in my room for times like these, when I don't want to step on the floor after a party thrown by Al.

Stepping out of the room and down the stairwell, I see the gigantic mess. It was worse than when I came down for the brief moment yesterday. I went to go find Al so I can get him up to at least help me clean.

I found him on the couch, curled up around another. I'm pretty sure it was Ivan, the scary Russian teen at school, since I don't know anyone else to wear a scarf in when it is this warm. I shook Al awake, and he rolled over, managing to fall of the couch. "Ow, shit… What the hell happened last night? Hey, who are you?" He said while trying to look at me with squinted eyes.

Explanation time; it's a normal occurrence between me and Al when he doesn't recall who I am. "Well, my name is Matthew and I am your twin brother. You threw a party last night and now you have to help me clean up your mess."

"Oh, hey Mattie. Forgot about you for a minute. Hey, wanna get me some pain-killers? My head feels like I got hit by a freight train." I go into the kitchen into one of the cabinets to get the medicine and a glass for water. Returning back into the living room, I hand it to him, watching him swallow the tablets.

"Thanks. Give me a minute and I'll help you, okay?" I will tell you now that's not going to happen. He'll just fall back asleep, waking up every now and then to throw up in the bathroom. Same as always.

"Yeah, fine." I say while walking away. Time to get to work. First step is to throw out any partiers who passed out in my home. I go outside first, seeing as how that would be the easiest. There were a few people lying about, none I recognized. I picked them up one by one and flung them out into the front yard. I didn't really care what happened to them. They deserved it for drinking so much then passing out in some one's home.

When that was taken care of, I turned on the hose near the house and just washed everything down. There was a bit of vomit in some places, and it made me gag while I washed it away. God, people are ridiculous.

I went back inside to clean the rest of the house. I dragged people out by their shirts onto the front lawn once again. Some who were there previously were gone. They must have woken up and went home. Good riddance.

Al was asleep on the couch once again, just as I expected. Ivan had his arms wrapped around him too, both content in their unconscious state. My brother gets to be loved by everyone and have someone special in his life, but I am alone with nothing to live for. _It's because you are nothing. Did you not know that? _That stupid voice taunts me. "Shut up" I say quietly. I'm getting sick of the voice. All it does is bring me down into another one of my moods. And I don't need someone else telling me that I'm worthless. I already know that, I don't need it rubbed in my face even more.

I take out a separate bag full of cans and another of garbage into the garage and come back into the kitchen. My frustrations are taken out on scrubbing the floor with a bucket filled with soapy water. The floor was sticky from the drinks spilled from people. You know who I feel like right now? Like Cinderella when she was scrubbing the floors and picking up after her step sisters and mother. I do all the work while my brother gets to live a carefree life. But I won't have a fairytale ending like her, where a prince sweeps her off her feet.

I scrub the floors at a quick pace, not slowing down as my anger fuels my speed. I move into the entrance way, cleaning the floors in there as well. Once that is done, I get out the vacuum to finish purging the living room and other places. Al had to get up and leave into his room because the noise was bothering him. Ivan left not long ago too. I don't care if I am bothering my brother. He bothered me with the whole party and troubled me with the task of cleaning up his mess.

I check the clock in the kitchen and it reads 4:34. I've been working that long? I guess when you work, time flies by fast.

As far as I know, the upstairs should be cleaned. Usually no one goes up there during a party. There was one time though I found a two people passed out in one of the bedrooms, clothes half off. That was not a pleasant sight, let me tell you.

Thanks to thinking of that, I made the better judgment of checking all the rooms besides mine. I went from room to room, checking each one. Thankfully no one was hidden in any of the rooms. I didn't really want a repeat of the last incident.

The thought of going outside sounded like a great idea right now. I was sick of smelling the cleaners and disinfectants all day. And the sunset always looks the best this time of year.

I grab my sketch book and IPod for the second day in a row just to head out to the park. Maybe I could re-draw the scene from yesterday, seeing as how the trees shouldn't really have changed much in a day.

As I'm walking, my mind goes elsewhere, thinking back to Gilbert. I just can't seem to forget about him. He _was _the first person to remember me in a long while. In fact, he _came up_ to me yesterday.

My heart soars at the thought. Finally, I'm not forgotten by someone!

But, he was drinking yesterday. I could smell it on his breath when he spoke. He probably remembered me in a drunken state. He did say that he thought he was seeing things when we were at the park. So what if when he woke up, he would just think that I was probably just a figment of his imagination?

Happy level equals 0. Hopes equal 0. Friends equal 0.

I feel like one of those "forever alone" things.

It's best to forget though, and move on. But…I'm not sure if I can. You just _can't _forget someone like Gilbert. How can you with how he looks? I mean really, who else in this town is albino? Then based on how he talked, you could tell how he was so sure of himself.

And he's really handsome, like…perfect. His red eyes and that smile of his…

God, please stop tormenting me with these thoughts. I really don't want to get my hopes up. It will just make me even lonelier than how I feel now.

* * *

**This chapter is longer than the last one by most likely 1,000 words. I checked things over as best I could as well.**

**Now, I have an idea. I was thinking of having the next chapter in Gilbert's point-of-view, going back to the time of the first chapter. I feel like that may show his feelings of the situation as well. Plus, he just needs more "show-time" so to speak. And you may want to know what was going on in Gilbert's head at the time, I'm sure. **

**Oh, and the setting of this story is actually a real place in New York. Frankly, it's where I live, and my feelings are the same as Matthew's. I just feel like I should tell you that! Also, the song "If I Lose Myself" will constantly be in the story (that's why it's the title for this fanfiction). Other songs may be mentioned throughout so that different feelings can be reflected as well. I find it easy to do that, and it adds more feelings in the story.**

**And thank you to all the wonderful people following the story so far and those who have faved it! I am really happy about that! I do hope you enjoyed this chapter (it was a tough one to write, let me tell you). Thanks again!**


	3. Chapter 3

**If I Lose Myself**

Chapter 3

**(Gilbert's POV)**

Friday is totally the awesomest day of the week. Not as awesome as me though. Nothing is as awesome as the great Gilbert!

I heard from around the school today that there was going to be a party at Jones' place tonight. I would go since Antonio and Francis will be there. Even bruder and his boy-toy are going too, as well as Antonio and Francis' boyfriends. At least, I think Francis is dating Eyebrows there. Who the hell knows; they're on and off like a damn light switch.

I'm just going to the party for the beer and the girls though. My last girlfriend dumped me two days ago, that bitch. Besides, I hate being the third wheel with Antonio and Francis when they have their partners at their sides all the time. I don't care if my best friends are gay, it's just that I feel awkward when they're all "lovey-dovey" with them, and I'm just standing there with no one.

I've had countless girlfriends, but none of them lasted very long. They always called the awesome me "selfish" and "egotistical" and all that other shit. Well, they weren't good enough for the awesome Gilbert anyway!

Man, I've got to clear my head. I am so pissed right now; I want to punch a fucking wall. But if I did, Opa and bruder would get mad.

"Hey! West! I'm going out for a while! The awesome me will be back soon, so don't leave without me later!" I yell out so my brother can hear me in the living room. He was sitting with Feliciano watching TV. He grumbled out his acknowledgement to me.

I think of where to go, some place where it's quiet and I won't see anyone from school.

Ah, that'll work! I head out towards the local park where West and I used to come and fish. It was a nice park; the town kept it clean for all the kids. Now I'm not sure if it's really used anymore. It's a shame, really. But I appreciate the silence right now.

I walk towards the edge of the water, viewing out at the world ahead. The town really looks best this time of year. I like all the colors, they remind me of fire. The valley looks as though it's set ablaze in the evening sun. It's pretty awesome.

I take a deep breathe, exhaling out my stress. I move my silver-white hair back, wiping my forehead. It was really hot out. I probably shouldn't have worn black jeans and a black shirt. I'm sweating my ass off out here! I try to think of ways that would help cool me off. Taking a dip into the lake can't help since I'd rather not take another shower (the water smells nasty). I head over towards the shade instead, figuring that would be an awesome idea.

I come across this really old maple tree. And it's fucking huge! Its shadow covers a lot, enough for me to sprawl out on the ground if I want to. I sit down though, laying my back against the tree trunk. This is a good moment. No worries about people and relationships. I should've brought Gilbird with me. He would have liked being out of his cage.

I sit there for a while, just letting myself chill. It's rare for me to get relaxed like this. Usually I have so much energy that I don't know what to do with. That's why I always mess around with Antonio and Francis. We do some crazy shit sometimes!

While reminiscing of old times, I hear something falling, like paper. I didn't even have enough time to look around to see what it was until the damn thing landed on my head. I yelled out in pain as my pale hand immediately went up to hand to rub the discomfort away. What in the name of the Great Prussia was that anyway?!

After I seemed to have collected myself, I look down towards the ground, searching for what fell on my head. Off to the side was an open book or something. I reach for it and stand up.

It was actually a sketch book, one with those metal spirals holding the pages together. No wonder that hurt!

I open it up, looking to see if there was anything in it. I start at the first page since that's probably where something would be. Then I see the most awesomest thing I have ever seen (though of course not as awesome as me). It was a landscape of the lake here. It didn't look like it was finished yet, but it still had a lot of detail. My fingers didn't dare move to smudge anything. I look around for the person who may have dropped it.

Well, since no one's here I am going to take it because I really want it. I carefully remove the page from the silver spirals, still being extremely careful. I set the pad down on the side of the tree for whoever dropped it. Crap! I never thought of looking up! That's where the book fell from, right?

I quickly move my head to peer up at the maple tree. I catch a glimpse of something…or someone actually. All I saw was blond hair and some red.

"That was weird…" I grumble out. I must've just been seeing things.

* * *

I'm walking back to the house, the sketch still held between my fingers. We lived in one of the houses in town, so I usually walked everywhere. The only time I used the car was to go on dates or go to the city with Antonio and Francis. Hey, it saves me money, so I don't really care how un-awesome walking is. I actually like to walk.

I head up on Hamilton Street, walking on the sidewalk towards my house. It's actually kind of creepy in my opinion, with the old Victorian–style theme, but it's cool. Mutti and Vati bought this house a little after bruder was born, moving to this town. Then when they died, Opa moved from Germany to take care of us. I begged him to keep the house since I didn't want to lose the memories of them.

Thinking of them always makes me sad, but it's alright. They were awesome parents and they're watching over bruder and me now.

I stepped onto the old porch, opening the screen door first then the main one. In the summer, we usually open up the main door, letting in fresh air through the screen. After wiping my shoes on the mat I take them off, putting them on the placemat beside the closet. I don't bother to tell West I'm home. He can usually hear me when I am.

My room is on the second floor to the house. It's the one painted black and white for the Prussian flag. Prussia is the awesomest country ever, even if it did fall after World War II. See, I was born in East Germany and bruder was born in West Germany. That's why I call him West and he calls me East sometimes. And I consider myself Prussian because I was born in East Germany. Suck it losers, I don't care what you think. I am Prussian!

I open the door and close it behind me with my foot. Gilbird is sitting in his cage chirping at me to let him out. Answering his plea, he flies around the room stretching his wings. He finally settles on my shoulder, chirping his thanks. Then he looks at the drawing that I was holding up. I was looking for the perfect place to hang it. His head tips to the side in question.

"This sketch book hit my head while I was at the park. I took the drawing that was in it. Isn't it awesome?" I say to my little yellow bird. He tweets his approval, flapping his wings a little. I found a spot on the wall, above the picture of Opa, West, and I that was taken a couple years back. It was a perfect spot for it.

I put two pieces of rolled tape on the back, sticking it to the wall. Yup, totally awesome. I look it a little while longer, taking it in. I wish I could find the person who drew it. Whoever they are, they're pretty cool.

A knock on my door brings me out of my thoughts. "East, we're leaving soon. I suggest you eat something and get ready now because I'm not waiting for you later."

"Ja, fine! The awesome me is already ready to go!" I yell back. A snack _does _sound good right now. Gilbird cheeps at me, alerting that he's hungry too. With that, I leave for the kitchen.

Our house is over clean thanks to my bruder's over obsession of cleanliness. The only room in the house that isn't sparkly clean would be my room, and I try to keep it that way. The kitchen is no exception to being spotless either.

I look through the fridge for anything quick to eat and find left-over wurst. I heat that up while getting some seeds for Gilbird. I put everything on the table, chewing on the delicious sausage. I swear it's the best food ever, no matter when.

In the other room I can hear West and Feliciano talking (mainly Feliciano) about how great the party will be tonight. Of course it'll be great, the awesome me will be there to grace everyone with his presence!

Once Gilbird finished, I picked him up, placing him on my head. I jogged up stairs, putting him in the silver cage when I get to my bedroom. I give a small smile as an "I'm sorry". West was yelling at me to hurry up. I grabbed my phone and headed out the door with them, trying to put on my shoes in the process.

* * *

I can never get over how huge Jones' house is. It's so fucking huge! His parents are loaded, man!

There are already a lot of people here, with cars lined up in the driveway. It's gotten darker out, but the sun is still glowing orange over the horizon. From where we were on the driveway, the music could be heard.

"Ve~ Fratello said he was already here with Antonio so we should go find them! Come on Luddy, let's go!" Feliciano said. He dragged my bruder away by the arm towards the booming house. Might as well follow them and find Antonio and Francis too.

We walked in, figuring out where to go first. There were people just about everywhere. Feliciano lead the way, moving towards the drink table. He must've spotted his brother. "Fratello~! We're here! Where's Antonio?" Feliciano yelled out.

"Hey, Feli. The tomato bastard's over there, talking to the wine bastard." He glared at me and West. "Hm. Potato bastard number one and two."

"Hello to you too, Lovino." West says with a nod. I don't bother passing greetings with that brat, Lovino. I go over to where Antonio and Francis were instead, finding them as better company.

"Hola, amigo! Ready to party?" Antonio said, after seeing me come up to them.

"Bonjour, mon ami. Who did you come with tonight?" Francis asked. I put a frown on my face with Francis' question.

"I just came with West and Feli. My girlfriend broke up with me a couple days ago, remember? I came for the beer, bro!" I pump a fist up in the air, smirk back on my face. They already have drinks in hand, so I went to go grab a beer from the table.

God, who ever bought the beer in so un-awesome. It's the shitty American kind. Whoever bought must not know about the greatness of German beer. That stuff is _real _beer. And, it gets you intoxicated quicker. Guess I'll just drink it since it's here, all for free. Hopefully I'll at least get a little buzz. It will bring my mood up, that's for sure.

I chug down the first, tossing the can in one of the large barrels that was there. I grabbed another one, returning back to our little group near the drink table. Francis actually went to go search for Arthur, according to Antonio. It was finally dark out now, I noticed. Hopefully this'll be fun.

* * *

Everyone was getting rather tipsy now, except me and West. We can really hold our alcohol (plus West was going to drive us home, so he couldn't drink over the top). Francis and Eyebrows went into the dining room to make-out and Antonio and his God-awful lover were just acting weird. Lovino was actually accepting Antonio's passes, which is extremely unusual. West and Feli went outside to do whatever. West was following him around to make sure he wouldn't do anything stupid.

I was standing there, leaning against one of the walls a bit. I never bothered to go search for a girl because I didn't really care anymore. They're all the same, now that I think about it. Bleached blonde hair and uglier than sin faces with all the make-up. I was on my fifth drink right now and I can't feel a thing unfortunately. Stupid crappy American beer.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something familiar. It was the same blond hair and red shirt I saw earlier, despite the lights and everything. They just stood out like a beacon to me. They were walking pretty quickly into the kitchen. I decided to wait for them to go by again, so I didn't have to push through all the people.

I waited a minute for them, but they never came back so I went to look. I found them standing near the opening of the living room. They seemed like they were listening to the song that came because they weren't moving away. I prodded them, trying to get their attention. They jumped and their body tensed up. They turned around, staring at me with wide eyes.

Oh, so it's actually a dude! Never noticed that. He looks more like a girl if you ask me. And he looks a lot like Jones, too. "Hey! I thought it was you! It's awesome to know I wasn't seeing things! That would be un-awesomely crazy!" I yelled out over the music. I'm not sure of he heard me, but he turned tail and ran away. I chased after him, wanting to talk.

I pushed through all the people, following behind him up the steps. Damn, that kid moves fast! I managed to catch hold of his arm right before he opened one of the doors upstairs. He looks at me again, and I notice his eyes. They were the most beautiful color I have ever seen. They were this weird mix of blue and purple that seemed to glow in the low light. But they held fear in them right now, causing the colors to swirl.

He puts his head down, not wanting to look at me anymore. "Good, the awesome me can talk to you better up here. What were you doing in the tree earlier? The awesome me hasn't seen you around before. Who're you?" I ask him.

He still doesn't answer me back, and twists his arm out of my grip, opening and shutting the door in the process. "Wait, I wanted to talk to you! Can you open up the door, please?" I plead. I really wanted to talk to him and ask him if the drawing was his. I knocked on the door some more, trying the knob, but it was locked. So much for a fun night.

I end up going back downstairs since he wasn't going to open the door or talk. The same song as before was still playing. I actually like it once I stopped to listen to it. I think I recognize the band so I'll have to search for it later. I'm always game for new music.

I figured I should go find West and hang around him for a while. He's not a fan of parties, but he goes for Feli. I'm sure he would appreciate the awesome me's company!

The two were outside still, by the pool. Feli was speaking rapidly to him, about anything. The only thing I caught was something about pasta. He must have been talking about the restaurant that his family owns.

"Sup West! How's it going?" I say to him. Feli was smiling at me, with that huge grin of his.

"Alright, I guess. How about you, bruder?" His eyes stray to Feli who walked away, seeming to be more interested the pool.

"Eh, same. Party's okay, but it's nothing special. I wouldn't mind leaving soon." West looks at me in surprise. I know I never really leave parties early, but God, you don't have to look so surprised.

"That's fine. I planned on leaving soon anyway. Feliciano has had a little too much to drink already." West faces the pool, making sure that the teen doesn't fall in. West is so overly protective of that kid.

I walk away, going to grab another beer. The music that's blaring out of the speakers is starting to bother me now. It's not even good music. I go back outside, plopping myself down in one of the metal chairs that's there, waiting for West and Feli to decide to leave.

* * *

I sat there for about an hour until West came over to tell me we were leaving. He had Feli on his back, who looked about ready to pass out. I threw the can in my hand away for I don't know how many times that night. I still didn't drink enough to give myself a hangover in the morning though, which would be good. I hate feeling like shit in the morning.

We managed to get out the driveway and leave without hitting anyone (it's happened before). I sat in the back, so that Feli could sit in the front with West. I gazed out the window, watching everything go by. I have always liked doing that. It seems to calm me down when I over-think too much on something.

The moon was full tonight and had a nice glow to it; the stars still shown through though, despite the bright light. When West and I were younger, Mutti and Vati would take us out into the country every now and then at a cabin that they borrowed sometimes from a friend. The four of us would watch the stars, pick out satellites, and wish on the stars that fell across the black heavens. Vati would tell us all the constellations he knew. I still remember some that he showed me.

I really miss those times. They were always fun. Now I never really get to see the night sky like this lately. It's hard to see them sometimes in town because of all the street lights. But when you're out here, it's like a whole new world.

About ten minutes later we arrived home. Opa was home since his car was parked in the driveway. He's probably asleep now. West carried Feli into the house bringing him up to his room to sleep. I went into the kitchen to grab a Gatorade and headed up as well.

I turned on the lights in my room, waking up Gilbird when I did. He chirped his welcome to me and I nodded. I changed into some more comfortable clothes, getting ready to sleep. I looked over towards the pictures that I have on my dresser, all neatly lined up. I observed the one of West and me with Mutti and Vati taken a little before they died. God, West looks so much like Vati, it's not even funny. He acts like him too. I always acted more like Mutti, if you ask me. She was really awesome.

I look towards the sketch that I put up today. It still causes me to be amazed. And I'm sure it was that violet-eyed teen at the party who drew it. Hopefully I'll see him at school on Monday. I can ask him then.

Now that I think about it, he was pretty adorable looking. That face of his was just cute. It didn't look false like all the girls I've dated before. It was natural looking. Those eyes of his though, that's what's really interesting. It was a peculiar mix and I like that.

You know, this may be the first time I've thought about another guy like this. This must be how Antonio and Francis felt when they first laid eyes on their lovers. It's like, love at first sight kind of.

I am now determined to catch this guy and get him to talk to me. I want to get to know him more. I want to see what he's like. This feeling is just gnawing away at me, this new emotion. I don't think I have ever felt this way about another guy, let alone another person.

* * *

**I am terribly sory that this is so late! I have been caught up with mid-terms and I actaully did something sociable on Friday and I was cranking this chapter out on Sunday because I had no inspiration or desire to type on Saturday. I had a mid-term today at noon so since 4 o'clock I have been finishing this up and reading it over. My friend was talking to me on the phone too which didn't help, and I have a short attention span so that doesn't help either. **

**Okay, so I will not write in Gilbert's POV very often because I don't really like to. It was actaully hard for me. It's easy to write as Matthew, since I can relate to him. I put out my feelings through him. You will also know what happened to Gilbert's and Ludwig's parents later on by the way. **

**I am not sure when the next chapter will be up,but hopefully soon. I have some ideas with this story, and then I have another idea for a different story that I forming in my mind (it's going to be a Antonio/Lovino one). **

**So that's all I have. Oh, go listen to Port Blue on youtube. It's a side project of Adam Young (Owl City). I'll put some links up on my profile if you're interested. **

**Thank you for reading and please tell me your thoughts! I appreciate them greatly! And thank you to all the new people who followed and/or favored this story. I want to hug you all, I really do. Bye bye my friends!**


	4. Chapter 4

**If I Lose Myself **

Chapter 4

_(Gilbert POV)_

I woke that morning with a slight headache from the previous night's endeavors. I lay on my bed for a bit, waiting for the slight pulsation to pass. I wasn't in hurry to get up this morning so I didn't worry too much.

After a while I decided to get up, the pain almost gone. I stretch and hear pops and cracks emitting from my arms and legs. My head turns towards the alarm clock by my bedside, reading five minutes after one. God, how long did I sleep for?!

If it was this late, bruder and Opa were up a long time ago. They are up and raring to go by 7 no matter what. Truthfully, I like my sleep. Like a normal teenager.

I changed into a random pair of dark jeans and shirt on my floor, too lazy to find something else in my dresser or closet. I didn't plan on doing anything sociable the rest of weekend, so why should I care? Besides, I look awesome in anything!

* * *

The afternoon went by quickly as it always does on Saturday. Funny how the week goes by at the pace of dripping molasses and when the weekend hits, it's like _BAM! _And it's over. God, I hate it. Though it's not like I did anything awesome today. Sitting around flipping through lame channels is so un-awesome.

Remembering yesterday of the violet-eyed teen, I make the decision of going to the park. Who knows? I may catch him again.

Slipping on an old pair of Converse, I push the screen door open and leave to the old park. From my house, it's about mile, two miles away- so a 45 minute walks for me. Head phones in, I find the song I heard yesterday. I put it on my player earlier after I found it on the music store. Now that I can listen to it in peace, it's a really awesome song! I touch the button that puts the song on constant replay. Sometimes after listening to a song for a while, I start memorizing the notes and to play it on my guitar. And I hope to learn this one for sure.

The tapping of my feet against the concrete soon turned into a soft thudding signaling the new, earth terrain. I was finally at the park again. Making my way to the large maple tree where the guy was probably up in, I notice a speck of blue and red. Ha! That's got to be him!

Instead of running like a crazy person, I trot slowly to the base of the tree and inspect the person more. Yep, definitely him!

His light, golden blond hair was shining against the sun that was preparing to set. The thin-framed glasses are slightly down his petite nose, blue-violet eyes extremely focused on the task at hand. Which at this point, was sketching something based on the sounds. There was a wire down the front of him. He must be listening to music because that's the only he would have heard me by now.

I reach up to tap him on the side of his leg. He jumped so much that he fell out of the tree. Good job, Gilbert. Now go catch him.

I reached out just in time to have him fall in my arms, him now in a bridal-style hold. His eyes were wide, just realizing what happened. Then he looked to me. The teen's face started turning to a harsh red. You have no idea how adorable this kid is right now. Though having him in my arms, you see how weightless he is. It's practically unhealthy.

Words started escaping from his mouth but I couldn't understand him. "W-what? Why a-are you h-here? I'm s-so sorry! Th-thank you f-for catching me!"

He started climbing out of my arms and I let him down gently. His face was still pretty red, too. "No, it's my fault that I made you fall. You okay though?" He nodded in reply. "Hey, who are you by the way? I believe it was you who dropped the sketch book on me yesterday and the guy I was chasing at the party. I'm the awesome Gilbert Beilschmidt by the way!" I slapped a hand to my chest in emphasis.

His head turned to the side. Man, this guy is shy! He finally said, "I-I'm Matthew Williams…" Matthew, huh? I thought about it and I never heard that name at school.

"You go to the academy in town? I haven't heard of you before."

"O-oh…Well, Alfred J-Jones is my b-brother…I'm s-sure you know him." This is Jones' brother? I guess that explains why he was at the party. Plus, I don't think a normal teenager would run into someone else's room. And they do look similar…

"Yeah, I know him. I just didn't know he had a brother. I'm an awesome senior so it's kind of hard to know who some of the lower classmen are. So, are you a sophomore or what?" I asked.

"I'm a junior, actually…" Well that's surprising. You would think I would know him then but I suppose not.

"Really? Huh," I put my hands in my pockets and felt paper. Throughout the day I was looking at the sketch and I left it in my pocket. I thought that if I caught him here, I could ask him if it was his for sure. I took it out and unfolded. His eyes widened slightly. "This is yours, right? It was in the sketchbook and I really liked it and I'm sorry that I took it…"

"It's okay."

"What?"

"I said it's okay. I draw these things a lot when I come out here. You can have it if you want…" I was surprised he let me keep it even though I took it without asking. I wouldn't like it if someone took something of mine anyway.

"Seriously? Dude, you're freakin' awesome! Not as awesome as me though. No one is as awesome as the great Gilbert! Kesesese!" I hugged him spontaneously. It took me a second to register in what I was doing and I pushed him back by the shoulders. Now it was my turn to blush. "Wow, I didn't mean to do that! God, you just looked so cute and I was happy you let me keep it." Whoa whoa whoa. _Whoa_. Where did _that _come from?

A rosy tint was still dusted on his cheeks but it got darker once Matthew understood what I just said. Stuttering some more, he managed to release an intelligible sentence. "T-that's okay… No o-one's e-ever said that t-to me. Ah, thank you, I guess." Look there! A smile! I got him to smile at me!

**(Matthew POV)**

That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. My heart is on a high at this point and I hope it won't crash and fall. He was smiling this bright smile and it made me want to smile too. And strangely enough, I did. Gilbert looked even more jubilant than before if that's possible. For him, I'm sure anything's possible.

_Including taking your heart and breaking it in two? Ha, I'm sure~_

And there goes the crash and burn of my heart in a fiery blaze of despair.

I put my head down. I cannot succumb to these thoughts! No, Gilbert wouldn't do that! It's not like we're dating anyway! Though I wouldn't mind if we did…

Shoo, shoo you other thoughts! Go away; I don't need to hear that.

While I was talking to myself in my mind, Gilbert spoke up. "Y-yes?" I said.

He shuffled his feet in the ground, hands tucked away in his jean pockets. He had this nervous look on his face. What did he say? "U-um, I was uh, wondering if you wanted to meet up sometime… Y'know, like during school or something. My lunch is 6th period and I have a free period 8th too."

Well this is a new experience. A guy, who I'm starting to like, is asking me to hang out. And do I accept? Why yes I do. "O-oh, sure! My lunch is the same time. See you then?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will. Well, I guess see you Monday, Birdie." And he turned and walked away.

Life sure is going to be a little different now.

"_You can feel the light start to tremble,_

_Washing what you know out to sea,_

_You can see your life out the window, tonight…"_

* * *

**Whoo! It's done! It's short. but it's done! Thank you, friends, for patiently waiting. I appreciate it. A lot has happened in these past months. Just recently, my friend's grandmother died. She treated me like a granddaughter and I talked to her a lot. I was devastated to know that she passed away. But God bless her soul, she lived much longer than expected with the lung disease. And yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my baby cousin's death. He was 6 months old when he died, suddenly in his sleep. The first time I held him was the day of his baptism, which was about a month before his death. We all miss him. **

**So, please review! I love to know what you think! Thank you vey much for reading.**

**Also, if you like Spamano, check out my newest story, "A Weighted Love"! It features a Chubby!Romano by the way. Go Spamano! Thank you again~! :D**


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